Rush Judgement
by fbi-woman
Summary: It seems Ray just can’t stay away from Philly... what brings him back this time? Lilly/Ray
1. Chapter 1

Title:

Author: fbi-woman

Rating: T/PG-13 – I haven't quite decided how high of a rating I'll need yet, so this is temporarily just a precaution.

Type: Cold Case, Lilly/Ray

Spoilers: Up until the end of Season 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing and I'm not claiming to (though I wish I did own them). This is an original story based on a TV show.

Summary: It seems Ray just can't stay away from Philly… what brings him back this time? Lilly/Ray

A/N: First off, I'm a fairly new Cold Case fan with a horrible memory so there may be some canon errors: I apologize for that in advance. Secondly, I'm a HUGE L/S shipper, so not only can I not believe that I'm writing something other than LS, but I'm shocked that my first Cold Case fic has ended up being something other than LS. But when I saw them kiss goodbye, I just couldn't help myself.

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Lilly Rush was only ten steps into her solitary walk home from work when the low rumble of a motorcycle engine stopped her short. Philadelphia was a big city; the sound of engines constantly filled the air. Why should this one be any different? But she instinctively knew it was, and a chill of apprehension spread through her body, bracing her for the unknown. After a blissfully justice-filled afternoon, she had wanted nothing more than to curl up with her cats and enjoy a night of sleep free from swirling thoughts, but that was clearly not in the cards as the bike drew to a halt beside her. Turning somewhat reluctantly, she came face to face with the characteristically disheveled yet handsome man she had kissed goodbye (several times).

He smiled, sending a wave of banished feelings to crash against her indifferent facade. It cracked instantly, to her dismay, but she was determined to hold it in place with her own two hands if necessary. She was done with the hurt: done with the fleeting comfort that always left her alone and heartbroken in the end. This time would be different, she vowed. This time she would keep him out.

"Don't tell me you're in trouble again", she said, trying valiantly to disguise that she was happy to see him.

"Hey, that is one mistake I am definitely not making twice. I'm done with shifty deals."

"Uh huh."

"I'm serious! I really straightened up this time."

She scoffed. "I'll believe that when I see it."

"Okay, come on then, let's go for a ride."

"Can't," she replied a little too quickly, "I've got an early morning tomorrow, need to get home."

"It won't take long, I promise, and I'll take you home after. I just want to show you something."

"What?"

"If I tell you, then you won't need to come", he answered cheekily.

This was such a bad idea. Why was she even considering it? She should just toss him a wave and keep walking. He'd be on to another city in a few days anyways, so why bother opening pandora's box? Yet somehow she found the helmet in her hands and a leather seat beneath her. One ride: that was it. She could handle that… right? But as she wrapped her arms around him and the soft scent of his aftershave came to her attention, Lilly suddenly had significant doubts that she could disentangle herself as easily as she had hoped.

The cool air whipped across her face as they sped through the darkened streets, and she couldn't help but relish the feeling of youthful freedom it brought her. Gone were the days when they could just take off to Tennessee, but she still loved the rush. Not that she would ever admit that aloud, even in solitude. It was one of many secrets that remained concealed from everyone but herself… and Ray, she realized. A small jolt of panic suddenly coursed through her veins. She had no walls to protect her from Ray. All of the things she refused to share were locked away in her past. But Ray had been there. He had seen it all; blood and tears, fear and joy. Everything. There was no hiding. She was the expert of wearing a mask, but in minutes he had all but shattered it, and now she scarcely remembered how to live without it. How could she forget how to be herself? Or is this person she was now: this empty 'ice queen' image she had given herself?

Her thoughts were interrupted when the bike came to an abrupt halt. Looking up, she saw nothing but an empty parking lot and what appeared to be an abandoned garage. This couldn't be where he was taking her.

"Why are we stopping here?"

He took off his helmet and hopped off the bike with a grin. "This is it."

"What?"

"You're looking at what will soon be 'Ray's Custom Bikes & Repairs'."

She continued to stare at him blankly. This couldn't be happening. No way. "Did I miss something?"

"Lilly, this is it. I'm back in Philly."

"Yeah, for how long this time?" she asked, rolling her eyes. "Why'd you bring me all the way out here to tell me that?" She knew she was being a little harsh, but with no walls and no where to run, she didn't know what else to do but fend him off.

His smile faded. "I mean it. I'm staying this time."

"Sure. For a month or two."

"I bought this place, Lilly! I just got back from California this morning, and you were the first person I wanted to tell, and you don't even want to believe me. You think I'd come all the way here just to lie to you? You should know me better than that."

"I do. I know you well enough to know that you come running back here whenever you want me to bail you out of something."

"Oh, like you did last time?"

_Shit_. There was no good comeback for that one.

"Besides, I already told you that's not what this is about."

"Come on Ray, when was the last time you stayed anywhere for more than a year?" Why should I believe you?"

One look at his expression and she realized he'd honestly thought she'd be happy, or at least pretend to be happy, and she'd shut him down from the moment he spoke. He was excited about this, and she hadn't even given him a chance. Why was she so uptight about this? Why was she lashing out at him? Her responses had hurt him more than she'd intended, that was clear, and guilty remorse tugged at her heart.

"Because we're supposed to be friends and you're supposed to know that you're the one person I could never lie to", he said quietly.

She opened her mouth to start a frantic backtrack, but her words were drowned by the sound of the engine coming back to life. Looking back over her shoulder, she kept her eyes glued to the little garage until it was out of sight.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who has left reviews so far, and big thanks to the mystery person on here who gave me the idea for the title to this on the Delta Goodrem forum (btw if any of you don't know who Delta Goodrem is, you need to google/youtube her cuz she's amazing). I'm sorry it's taken so long to update, but if I went into all the reasons why, they would longer than the chapter itself lol so I'll just get right to it.

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They sat in silence outside her house, neither riding from the bike. Her heart thundered in her chest while her mind raced wildly, frantically trying to piece a decent speech together. She'd screwed up. Again. But she could fix this one... she had to. It was Ray, she could talk to him; she'd always been able to talk to him. Except now her mouth ran dry and a lump formed in her throat. She could run. The door to that opportunity was wide open and calling her name. But she had never run from Ray before. He had always beaten her to it. And now here he was: he'd run back to her again, and she was teetering on the edge of pushing him away. That wasn't really what she wanted, was it? One brief memory of the milkshake mess in her kitchen, and she knew it wasn't. She thought back to what she had told Joseph that night. Ray had never truly left her. Sure, he hadn't exactly stayed with her either, but he always came back, and they had both known he would. He was still in her life, to some extent, and that was more than she could say about any of the others. And through everything, he had never turned his back on her or gone away when she was in trouble; only when he was sure she would be fine on her own. With a start, she realized that in many ways, they were still the two tough kids who held each other close when they were scared and alone.

"Ray." Her voice was so soft even she scarcely heard it.

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

He sighed, finally standing, removing his helmet and turning to face her. "Don't be: you're right, I haven't stuck to anything. I shouldn't have expected you to be doin' cartwheels about it. Forget how things change, I guess."

"I'm happy for you, really."

"I know. Just miss how things were sometimes."

"Me too", she smiled sadly.

"It can be like that again."

"I don't know..."

"Hey, we're still friends, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then we're halfway there."

He smiled that adorable boyish smile and she couldn't help but smile back as she stood up.

"You gonna come inside?"

"You inviting me?"

"What do you think?" she asked, tossing him the keys.

--

Sitting on the couch with a steaming cup of coffee in her hands, Lilly contemplated him silently, watching as he glanced around the room and took in every detail. He was usually easy for her to read, but something was off this time. There was something he didn't want her to know... no, he wanted her to know, but he didn't want to tell her. Yes, that was it. Slipping into detective mode, she formulated a plan of attack to uncover his confession.

"So what happened with California?" she asked casually, breaking through the silence.

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"Well, something must have happened to make you decide to come back here."

"No, not really." His voice was steady but she could see the unease in his eyes.

"Come on Ray, no one wakes up one morning, buys a garage, and takes off to another city. You planned this."

"Yeah, so? Guy can't come back to his hometown now?"

"But why now? Why is this time different, what changed?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I mean, everything was going fine, the job was good, but I just – I thought I'd be happy, having fun out there, but I wasn't. It was pretty much what I'd always pictured myself doing, but it wasn't enough. Guess I must be growin' up or something", he added with a chuckle, looking up at her for reassurance.

She placed a comforting hand on top of his. "So you left the sun and the sand for Philly?"

"Yep. Might sound crazy, but it wouldn't have been right anywhere else... 'cause you're always gonna be here."

"Me?" _Crap. _This, she had not been expecting.

He looked at her earnestly. "Missed you, Lil."

Stunned speechless, she stared at him wordlessly, trying to ignore the sudden spike in her heart rate.

"I just kept thinking about that day at the hospital... I mean... I never thought we'd really ever say goodbye, you know? After all these years, don't wanna start living without you now. Even when I wasn't here, I always knew you were there, and then I wasn't so sure anymore, and I was thinking what it would be like to ride through town and find you gone, and then I just didn't want to be away anymore. Ironic, huh? I finally stop running long enough to think and then I end up running right back to you."

She heard what he was saying, but the speaking portion of her brain had clearly shorted out.

"Talk to me Lilly."

"I... I..." she stammered, her eyes wide, "do you know how hard that was? To say goodbye to you? I walked alone for hours, trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do, and by the time I decided, you were gone and it was too late to fix what I had." She frantically blinked back tears. "I don't know what to do with this. I don't. Because every time you show up, I let you back in, and I thought that door was just closed and done with, but it's not, and I can't keep doing this. Tell me what to do, Ray, because I don't know anymore."

"Just give me one last shot, Lil. I can be the guy you want, I'm ready. I know it took me way too long, but I'm here now."

"But what if you leave again? I can't –" Her voice cracked and she looked away.

"I won't Lil, I won't. You just have to trust me. And I know that's hard, but it's all we've got. We were happy Lil, remember?"

She nodded meekly, swallowing hard.

"Then isn't it worth it if we can get that back? It's me Lil. I know it's been a long time, but it's still me. Just give me a chance. You don't have to promise me anything, just don't tell me to leave. We'll go as slow as you want, whatever you say goes. I'll do anything, Lil, please. I need you."

Her reply was so quiet that he almost missed it. "Okay."

Gently, he took her in his arms and tenderly stroked her hair. "I'm not gonna let you down this time," he whispered, "I'm gonna treat you like I should have. Never should have given you up."

The tears trickled down her ivory skin despite her best efforts to keep them at bay. She had never imagined it would mean so much to have him back, yet now she felt like she was clinging to him for dear life. To trust him blindly still terrified her, but she couldn't let him go. He knew it all, and he still wanted her, and the little girl inside refused to relinquish the window of hope that opened for her. She couldn't punish him for the mistakes and hurt that others had caused. He had never hurt her. He had always come running when she called. He was the only one who had held her when she cried. He had never lost faith in her, and she owed it to have faith in him. Maybe she would regret it later, but she would surely regret letting him walk away now.

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